An open letter to Sepp Blatter

Dear Sepp,

I just wanted to personally say thanks for the help and support you gave to the England bid for the 2018 world cup.

Obviously, it was disappointing that we only received 2 votes but I’m sure you helped the committee take each bid on its merits and ensured that it was all done in the fairest way possible.

Now some say that you may be prone to a little bribery and corruption. That you are fond of the odd brown paper bag full of cash handed over in a Swiss Car Park. The whiff of dirty dealings has surrounded you wherever you go for the last 12 years or so. Not I. I mean you soon saw off Michel Zen-Ruffinen with his claims that $100 million had gone missing from FIFA accounts. Where is he now by the way?

Fortunately you have turned FIFA from the gentleman’s club of 20 years ago into a hugely transparent organisation. I mean, you even tell us how many votes each country gets at world cup voting time now!! How’s that for transparency? Alright, some will point to the fact that we still don’t know who voted for each bid but hey, you can’t spoon feed the masses right?

You’ve laid out a clear method of bidding with the technical bid, and a commercial plan and also a risk assessment looking at infrastructure and stadia. Obviously this is what gives the voting committee their guidance on their bids. I’m sure when I trawl through the reports; I’ll see that gas rich Russia and oil rich Qatar topped the list in these areas comfortably. They must surely deserve it.

You were quite right to point out the committee member’s seconds before voting, that they must remember the attacks from sections of the media. I mean, none of them have memories from literally 2 days before. Besides, how dare they accuse anyone from FIFA of corruption. You’re so open with us Sepp, how could your people possibly not be hurt and indignant? I mean, if they were genuine charges of corruption you would have rooted the culprits out. The only way it would remain uncovered is if it started at the top, and that could never happen whilst you are the head honcho my dear Sepp.

In the last 24 hours I’ve heard many jokes about you flying round.

Reports of a magnitude 7 earthquake in Zurich. Turns out it was just Sepp Blatter dropping his wallet.

Sepp Blatter was asked “Who is your favorite Qatar player?” He replied “Eric Clapton!”

Sepp Blatter is furious with allegations of corruption against him. He will be making a statement outside his new Russian mansion later.

I can’t believe people can’t just take you at face value. There is no hidden agenda with you. You are truly a man of the people.

I’m with you all the way Sepp.

All the best

Paul

P.S. Leave the cash in the usual place, I’ll get the wife to collect it….