My predictions for 2011

Here are a few thoughts I’ve had as to what may occur over the course of the next 12 months.

January

Kay Burley becomes a Dame in the New Years Honours list for her “services to broadcasting”.

The big freeze goes on. The Thames freezes over into one gigantic solid turd.

February

Wikileaks reveals that George Bush invaded Iraq after he was instructed to by listening to a Billy Ray Cyrus album backwards. Cyrus is executed (not for war crimes, but for crimes against music).

Temperatures reach -30C and tragedy strikes as several TV reporters freeze to death on the A11 near Norfolk live on Sky News. Kay Burley orgasms live on air as she commentates on their demise.

Sex and the City 2 wins the best movie Oscar. Scorsese blows himself up live on air in protest.

March         

Apple launches the iDildo which promises to help penetrate deeper into your pocket than ever before. Millions queue to buy it because their mates have got one.

Newcastle appoint their eleventh Manager of the season, Graham Souness who lasts 4 hours before being replaced by Kevin Keegan again.

April  

The Royal Wedding takes place although due to Sky paying the most for coverage several last minute changes are made. Rupert Murdoch gives the Bride away and he also exercises his right to remove her maidenhead before the ceremony (show on Sky box office as a pay per view event)

May   

Kay Burley is made Director General of the BBC. Her first move as DG is to remove any factual content from BBC News 24.

Jason Orange sensationally quits Take That. No one notices.

June

The Liberal Democrats rebrand themselves as The Gary Glitter Fan Club in an attempt to gain some popularity.

Simon Cowell announces his new Prime Time ITV show “Britain’s got lepers”. Sepp Blatter and Amanda Holden are to be the judges. Cowell promises to really pull apart the bad acts.

July

Ricky Ponting applies for asylum in the UK as he feels his life is in danger in Australia. It is granted under the condition that he smiles once in a while. He immediately flies home and is found dead two days later after “accidentally” impaling himself on a didgeridoo. Almost four people attend his memorial.

August

Tiger Woods forced to issue a grovelling apology to the eight or nine women he didn’t manage to sleep with at Sandwich Golf Club at lasts months Open Championship.

It gets warm for 3 days (over 17C) and all the UK’s water companies declare a drought.

September

Students take to the streets once again after it is confirmed that they may have to start lectures as early as 11.00am.

Kay Burley is made the Coalition Governments “Good Times Tsar” and will advise on how to bring out the best in everyone and how we can all be friends and get along.

October

Eastenders agrees to reduce its misery content by 50% thus leaving only 15 minutes of crying per episode. The other 15 minutes will be used to show the how Walford is benefitting from the “big society” with a “Phil Mitchell is your new teachers kids!” Storyline.

Lib Dems/Gary Glitter fan club merge with the BNP to consolidate increases in support.

November

Swine Flu strain causes 3 people to miss a day’s work and the 24 Hour Media manage to fill over 9000 hours of coverage by talking to people who have heard of it. 342 more people die of worry and/or boredom.

Rupert Murdoch buys ITV and Channel 4. C4 plans to show a continuous loop of Murdoch counting his money whilst plans to “dumb down” ITV are put on hold when he realises that it would take a miracle and he’s not God (yet).

 

December

George Lucas announces plans to film a Star Wars sequel/prequel just to prove that he can make a film worse than The Phantom Menace.

The X factor single is beaten to the Christmas No1 spot by Kay Burleys cover of “Sexual Healing”. The second single from her hit album “Student Insurgents”.

   

Baggs of talent? - A review of The Apprentice

Like a gladiatorial giant he came into the boardroom. Riding across a field of ponies, the sun glinting on his slightly rouged face. Stuart Baggs. The brand. The man.

If you don’t watch BBC1’s The Apprentice, you’ve missed something special this year. A man so full of self belief and a large amount of horseshit that if he were to explode he would cover most of southern England with a two foot layer of detritus.

Stuart appears to me to be the deranged love child of Norman Wisdom and Frank Spencer. Everything he touches turns to fudge; he is the anti-midas. I have no doubt that five minutes of control at one of Alan Sugar’s companies and Stuart would comfortably have been instrumental in its shares being suspended.

He is unprofessional, smug, annoying and let’s be honest, a bit thick in equal measures and yet he has a unique ability. He is 100% prime time. The sound bites he produces are absolute gold dust, he can make you bellow with laughter and cringe behind the sofa in a way I haven’t since I was a kid watching Dr Who.

This week after another inept performance that had seen him asking women to taste his jellied eels and nearly coming to blows with a fellow contestant he found himself in the boardroom again to face Lord Sugar (the man of a thousand put downs). Surely this week there was to be no hiding place; Baggsy was for the slag heap.

His fellow contestants in the boardroom were the clever but slightly robotic Stella and the breathtakingly beautiful and competent Liz. Both strong contenders to win the show outright. Stuart sat between them, looking flustered, contrite and resigned to a taxi ride to see Dara on BBC2.

What followed was a masterful performance in the art of flim-flam. He begged, he pleaded and he promised the grumpy entrepreneur a life time of happiness. That he would be there to wake him gently in the morning by massaging his testicles, breathing platitudes into his ears as he carried him to the bathroom to bathe him in ass’s milk. Well, maybe not quite but not far off.

Unbelievably, it worked. Millions of viewers watched in amazement as the multi millionaire seemed to change his mind and fired one of the people who could actually help and not hinder him. Liz caught the taxi of shame blinking back tears of rejection. It’s possible she’ll never recover from a beating like this…

So why is he still there? Lord Sugar was fairly convincing as the man who saw a little bit of his younger self in “the brand” but surely a seasoned business man like him must be able to spot a dud? Then it dawned on me, he’s not been left in to win it. Next week is the interview episode, the ritual humiliation of the final five candidates. Baggs is the sacrificial lamb being thrown to the slaughter and we all get to watch.

At times, I forget that this is an entertainment show. Mere competence is not going to keep me coming back week after week. Watching Liz giving solid answers to difficult questions all be it slightly uncomfortably is not making me watch through my fingers.

Stuart is a different story. The man who changes his story more times than a Lib Dem MP caught on Hampstead Heath is going to get torn apart. Worth keeping him in for? Hell yeah.

Talking of which, Stuart talk’s seven kinds of bollocks, changes his story every 12 seconds and cares about nothing but money. Your seat in the House of Commons awaits. It’s either that or The One Show…..

An open letter to Sepp Blatter

Dear Sepp,

I just wanted to personally say thanks for the help and support you gave to the England bid for the 2018 world cup.

Obviously, it was disappointing that we only received 2 votes but I’m sure you helped the committee take each bid on its merits and ensured that it was all done in the fairest way possible.

Now some say that you may be prone to a little bribery and corruption. That you are fond of the odd brown paper bag full of cash handed over in a Swiss Car Park. The whiff of dirty dealings has surrounded you wherever you go for the last 12 years or so. Not I. I mean you soon saw off Michel Zen-Ruffinen with his claims that $100 million had gone missing from FIFA accounts. Where is he now by the way?

Fortunately you have turned FIFA from the gentleman’s club of 20 years ago into a hugely transparent organisation. I mean, you even tell us how many votes each country gets at world cup voting time now!! How’s that for transparency? Alright, some will point to the fact that we still don’t know who voted for each bid but hey, you can’t spoon feed the masses right?

You’ve laid out a clear method of bidding with the technical bid, and a commercial plan and also a risk assessment looking at infrastructure and stadia. Obviously this is what gives the voting committee their guidance on their bids. I’m sure when I trawl through the reports; I’ll see that gas rich Russia and oil rich Qatar topped the list in these areas comfortably. They must surely deserve it.

You were quite right to point out the committee member’s seconds before voting, that they must remember the attacks from sections of the media. I mean, none of them have memories from literally 2 days before. Besides, how dare they accuse anyone from FIFA of corruption. You’re so open with us Sepp, how could your people possibly not be hurt and indignant? I mean, if they were genuine charges of corruption you would have rooted the culprits out. The only way it would remain uncovered is if it started at the top, and that could never happen whilst you are the head honcho my dear Sepp.

In the last 24 hours I’ve heard many jokes about you flying round.

Reports of a magnitude 7 earthquake in Zurich. Turns out it was just Sepp Blatter dropping his wallet.

Sepp Blatter was asked “Who is your favorite Qatar player?” He replied “Eric Clapton!”

Sepp Blatter is furious with allegations of corruption against him. He will be making a statement outside his new Russian mansion later.

I can’t believe people can’t just take you at face value. There is no hidden agenda with you. You are truly a man of the people.

I’m with you all the way Sepp.

All the best

Paul

P.S. Leave the cash in the usual place, I’ll get the wife to collect it….