My predictions for 2011

Here are a few thoughts I’ve had as to what may occur over the course of the next 12 months.

January

Kay Burley becomes a Dame in the New Years Honours list for her “services to broadcasting”.

The big freeze goes on. The Thames freezes over into one gigantic solid turd.

February

Wikileaks reveals that George Bush invaded Iraq after he was instructed to by listening to a Billy Ray Cyrus album backwards. Cyrus is executed (not for war crimes, but for crimes against music).

Temperatures reach -30C and tragedy strikes as several TV reporters freeze to death on the A11 near Norfolk live on Sky News. Kay Burley orgasms live on air as she commentates on their demise.

Sex and the City 2 wins the best movie Oscar. Scorsese blows himself up live on air in protest.

March         

Apple launches the iDildo which promises to help penetrate deeper into your pocket than ever before. Millions queue to buy it because their mates have got one.

Newcastle appoint their eleventh Manager of the season, Graham Souness who lasts 4 hours before being replaced by Kevin Keegan again.

April  

The Royal Wedding takes place although due to Sky paying the most for coverage several last minute changes are made. Rupert Murdoch gives the Bride away and he also exercises his right to remove her maidenhead before the ceremony (show on Sky box office as a pay per view event)

May   

Kay Burley is made Director General of the BBC. Her first move as DG is to remove any factual content from BBC News 24.

Jason Orange sensationally quits Take That. No one notices.

June

The Liberal Democrats rebrand themselves as The Gary Glitter Fan Club in an attempt to gain some popularity.

Simon Cowell announces his new Prime Time ITV show “Britain’s got lepers”. Sepp Blatter and Amanda Holden are to be the judges. Cowell promises to really pull apart the bad acts.

July

Ricky Ponting applies for asylum in the UK as he feels his life is in danger in Australia. It is granted under the condition that he smiles once in a while. He immediately flies home and is found dead two days later after “accidentally” impaling himself on a didgeridoo. Almost four people attend his memorial.

August

Tiger Woods forced to issue a grovelling apology to the eight or nine women he didn’t manage to sleep with at Sandwich Golf Club at lasts months Open Championship.

It gets warm for 3 days (over 17C) and all the UK’s water companies declare a drought.

September

Students take to the streets once again after it is confirmed that they may have to start lectures as early as 11.00am.

Kay Burley is made the Coalition Governments “Good Times Tsar” and will advise on how to bring out the best in everyone and how we can all be friends and get along.

October

Eastenders agrees to reduce its misery content by 50% thus leaving only 15 minutes of crying per episode. The other 15 minutes will be used to show the how Walford is benefitting from the “big society” with a “Phil Mitchell is your new teachers kids!” Storyline.

Lib Dems/Gary Glitter fan club merge with the BNP to consolidate increases in support.

November

Swine Flu strain causes 3 people to miss a day’s work and the 24 Hour Media manage to fill over 9000 hours of coverage by talking to people who have heard of it. 342 more people die of worry and/or boredom.

Rupert Murdoch buys ITV and Channel 4. C4 plans to show a continuous loop of Murdoch counting his money whilst plans to “dumb down” ITV are put on hold when he realises that it would take a miracle and he’s not God (yet).

 

December

George Lucas announces plans to film a Star Wars sequel/prequel just to prove that he can make a film worse than The Phantom Menace.

The X factor single is beaten to the Christmas No1 spot by Kay Burleys cover of “Sexual Healing”. The second single from her hit album “Student Insurgents”.