Taken to the edge

Throughout history there have been a multitude of improvements in the fields of theoretical science, medicine and technology. It is said that we have advanced more in the last thirty years than we had in the previous two thousand, a staggering rate of progress as a species.

Why then is it that we have not placed out finest minds to the problem that stands head and shoulders above all others? Something which has the potential to improve life beyond all else and raise the human race to another level, to push us to the very peak of our potential.

I talk of course about the garden strimmer.

Why has no one as yet invented a strimmer that releases the cutty wire thingy when required, without the need to spend an anguished few hours trying to unspool and rethread it through a hole smaller than a spider’s arsehole?

How do the two strands of cable disappear less than a minute into my efforts to beautify my garden? How can it be possible that when I remove the cap to rethread both of the wires, like some Escher inspired optical illusion it now only has one end?

I suspect that the makers of Flymo, Bosch etc have considerable stakes in the defence industry and know that nothing infuriates and drives people of power and influence to war more than an hour in the garden trying to make it “tidy”.

I’ve even heard a rumour that Joey Barton was strimming his vast garden the day before he attacked an entire football team. On hearing evidence of this most mitigating of circumstances, the FA reduced his ban from 9 years to 12 games.

So for me, I’m back to a set of good old fashioned lawn clippers, until that is I can afford the anger management classes.